I feel my heart press on my lips
Who knew that words could feel so heavy
And tears could feel so light

I don’t even want to breathe
Sit here numb pretending words don’t exist
Because if I don’t say it, think it
Than it may not be true

The lies I tell myself keep stabbing my ribs
But I will not cry out, let truth escape my pale blue lips

No. I will sit and silently stare
I will twirl my fingers, blink my eyes
Find patterns in my beaten hands
Break plastic straws and play with food

I stand there and play with my hands until I forget that I am standing
And so I forget to balance and I stumble, nearly falling
Nearly fainting. Nearly dying.

I stare at the wall waiting for my mind to separate from my body
And I think to myself, is this what epilepsy is like
When you yourself breaks in two?

I want to forget when I am standing, sitting

I want feel something you felt

I want, need, want, need to understand

How a simple mind stumble can make

Someone forget to breathe

Because it made them breathe water

I stare at flashing lights

Waiting for it come

I want it.

I need it.

Because, it’s

A small, stupid, evil, beautiful, strange, confusing part of


                        you.